My peace

Our house is clean. The twins are down for their morning nap and Neil is playing a game on the computer. I hear birds chirping in the backyard and spring is drifting in from the newly washed windows. It's peaceful all around and I'm doing my best to be peaceful as well.

I don't like to be unhappy or fearful or angry and I've felt all of these emotions pretty regularly lately. When I find myself feelings such feelings, I eventually reach a point where I've had enough. When in dispute with others, I evaluate and re-evaluate my role in the conflict until I reach the usual conclusion that I can't change how others feel, I have to respect their right to feel what they feel but that I don't have to accept their misunderstandings of me as truth and I have the right to be happy. Ultimately, focusing on compassion toward others and for myself leads me to the peace of mind I need in a time of turmoil. I have reached that point with my parents thanks to some good advice from a friend of mine who said, "forgive your parents for not having the strength to support you right now."

It's amazing how a few words can change one's perspective. It's usually the simplest statement that drives home such a deep understanding. I'm grateful to my friend for, in one sentence, reminding me to be compassionate and understanding toward my parents while accepting the situation as it is.

So, I'm focusing on being forgiving and accepting and it helps me when the angry, fearful and sad emotions drift up to the surface. As was evident this morning after awakening from a dream where I gave birth to a still born, my feelings of loss are too deep for my conscious thoughts to penetrate. Perhaps if I do it long enough, though, these feelings will soothe my soul enough for my dreams to become peaceful as well.