Rebirth

It seems I'm living in two worlds these days: one which is focused on an unknown future and one which is looking back to remember the paths that led me here. There was a time in my youth that I focused a lot of energy on my past, mulling over endless details as I found ways to regret many of the choices I had made. Once I met my husband and had my children, though, I focused on the present and the future and essentially forgot a lot of my past. Looking back over my shoulder nowadays, I see a different past than I had seen before. When I put aside all my regrets and focus on the substantive and meaningful parts, I realize how rich a childhood I had and how much of it I left it behind.

Last night, I had dinner with someone with whom I had been friends and had known since 1st grade. We hadn't seen each other in 17 years. As cliche as it is, I felt that we picked up where we had left off with the exception that we had 17 years worth of life to catch up on. As she laughed, I was reminded of her laugh back then. As she made funny statements, I remembered how witty and smart she always was. I couldn't help but regret the times we missed sharing together and I tried to remember why we drifted apart. As I pondered it, little memories popped up in my mind and I couldn't help but realize how trivial the reasons were for why I had pulled back and disappeared. I also realized that I did that to a lot of people at about the same time. I can only surmise that I was trying to find out who I was and I felt I could only do it by leaving my past behind me. Although I found reasons to "justify" my withdrawal, I think that I was looking for a way to shed my old skin in order for the new to appear. It was a time when I was very self-absorbed and unable to share friendships with anyone for very long.

I can't help but wonder what my life would be like now if I had held on to my old friendships. Perhaps I would have felt less lonely in vulnerable times or I would have heeded the advice of friends who had their heads on better than I did at that time. There is no way to know at this point and there is nothing I can do about decisions I made at the time. The good thing is that I have reconnected with my friend and I'm pleased to have the opportunity to know her once again.

Although she and I have matured and changed considerably over the years and have experienced our share of hardships, it was nice and reassuring to sense that she was still the same person at the core that I knew then and that, oddly enough, so was I. We both have new people in our lives, changed relationships with some that we had had before and our lives are richer than they were in our awkward, soul-searching days as teenagers.

As the evening came to a close, I felt very content that a part of my past felt at peace and that my future has the potential to be richer now that she and I have reconnected. If anything, it's nice to feel a connection with another soul with whom I've travelled with through life even if we've been on different paths. There is always the possibility that, with our busy lives, we may not communicate as often as I'd hope but at least we know where the other is and we have the opportunity to know one another again.