Bitter and sweet

I’m struck by the word bitter tonight. As I feel the many emotions I’m experiencing about our upcoming move, I think of it as bittersweet. How can one person have such conflicting emotions? On one hand I’m very excited about the many adventures that lie ahead of us, while on the other I’m honestly scared about leaving my home state, my family and friends. I feel like the compass that guides me is calibrated for Texas and that, by moving, I’m not going to know my way – at least not for a while. Meanwhile, I’ll still be the busy mom I am now and have to function. I can’t afford to fall into despair or panic.

During the day, my heart beats excitedly about the many beautiful things I’ll be able to see in Salt Lake City, the fun things I’ll get to do with my husband , children and in-laws, the many opportunities for us to do things we can’t do here. At night, though, my chest tightens with anxiety, my stomach clenches and I worry about how I will ever be able to make SLC my home.

As Webster’s defines it, bittersweet is pleasure alloyed with pain - how succinct and how appropriate for my situation.

Tonight, in addition to my usual concerns, I’m thinking about someone very, very close to me. For the sake of anonymity I won’t identify her. She essentially accused me of pretending to be sad about leaving. Although I have not cried openly, this heart of mine sinks when I think of what, and mainly who, I’m leaving behind. It is not a pleasant feeling but I can’t provide a window into my heart large enough to prove it to her. I know she hurts and I hate that. I think she thinks I’m cold and that I don’t love her enough to stay. Unknowingly her own bitterness pushes me away and influences me to appear cold and unloving – fulfilling her prophecy and hurting us both.
Tonight, the sadness that is always present is burdened even more with feelings of being misunderstood, of feeling disconnected and angry. I’m at a complete loss as to how to rectify the situation since I still grasp at the illusion that I could fix the situation if I tried. Ultimately, despite how much I love her and how much I know she loves me, only she can let go of her bitterness and dare to trust the strength of our relationship and my commitment to it. Until then, I can’t take her pain on as my own because I have enough of my own to handle. I can only we’ll both awaken one morning soon with a sense of peace and untainted sweetness in our hearts.