I used to have concrete ideas regarding whether a day was good or bad. It was simple to me. It was either good or bad. Nowadays, I can't say that anymore because it changes constantly. I may wake up to a good morning but 10 minutes later feel like it's the worst day I've ever had. I started to notice this when we had our first son. I learned to think in terms of good and bad moments. I might be able to say a day was ok if more good moments occurred than bad. If there were more bad moments than good, though, it was a crummy day.
These days it's hard to even characterize a day or a moment because even a single moment can be split three different ways - by three different children. I might be having a horrible moment with one child while somehow sharing a peaceful moment with another and may just be having a calm but neutral one with the third - all at the same time. Basically, my moments have been divided into thirds now. In some ways it just makes life more interesting and rich but in another it can be schizophrenigenic (an excellent term coined - as far as I know - by a family friend). To put it simply, it can be maddening.
Here is an example from this very evening. One of the twins, Evan, was having a difficult time sleeping. I finally had some luck soothing him by rubbing his back slowly and his little eyes slowly closed. I marvelled at how beautiful his eyes are. His lashes are so long and dark. His little hands so cute and cuddly. I looked over at the other crib where his twin, Dylan, was sleeping and I quietly chuckled about his position. He had his round bum in the air and he'd crammed his face into the mattress. I thought to myself how I needed to reposition his head as soon as Evan was asleep. I heard Neil laughing with his daddy in the other room and I was filled with peace but then it began to change. Neil began to yell. Evan began to wake up. Neil screamed louder. Evan screamed louder still. Dylan was fine for a little while but he began to stir. My peaceful thoughts were replaced with silent pleas for Neil to shut up! He didn't want to have the bath that he has EVERY night but fights over having EVERY night that he ends up enjoying ridiculously then hates getting out of. (The logic of two-year-olds is amazing but that's another post for another day.)
Anyway, the tenderness I was feeling for all my babies was still there but I was annoyed with Neil, frustrated with Evan and mystified with Dylan who was calm for the longest but even he succumbed to the madness eventually. All three babies were crying and it was time for me to go to another room before I wigged out. If you've never heard three babies crying at the top of their lungs with no hope of consoling them, you'd understand why I needed to do that.
So, how did it all end? After calming myself down, I began to settle the babies down. I tucked Neil in bed after telling him the requisite "night-night" stories exactly like I do every night. (Deviations in plot or subject matter are strictly prohibited - he notices every little detail.) I finished with the story his Grammy told him and now is a part of our evening ritual: I told him how he is the luckiest boy in the whole world and then named all the people who love him. My shoulders became less tense and my anger subsided as I softly told him that his mommy and daddy love him so very much. I gave him a good night kiss and he told me "night night" as I left.
Meanwhile, the twins grumbled for a minute or two longer but they soon settled down and slept to the sound of peaceful, lullaby music. All was good except for the fact that we'd run out of trash bags and Chris was about to put the 300 lbs worth of dirty diapers out in our City trash bin and couldn't do it until he had more. Exhausted, he set off for the store and I went to the computer. Now that everyone is asleep, formula is made, dishes are clean, and laundry is under control, I have to start my paying job. After that's done maybe I can sleep. Despite having to work, and since the boys are sleeping quietly, I'd most assuredly have to say that this is a good moment. I'm going to enjoy it.
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