Endangered self

As the idea of our moving seems more probable, I find a stillness in me, a calm sense of waiting for my future to present itself. As we discuss our potential move with others, their emotions whip around me. I'm affected by it, obviously, but if I stay centered I don't get sucked into it. I guess you could say I'm in the eye of the storm and I'm trying to stay there.

From my sweet friends who express their sadness of our departure while stating their unconditional support (thank you, guys!) to my 88 year old aunt diplomatically supporting me while making it clear she won't be living much longer. Although she wants me to be happy, I don't think she thinks I'll be happy if we move. I guess that's what I have to find out for myself.

My parents recently told me that, according to an author whose name escapes me at the moment, Chris and I are from the "me" and "endangered" generations. The fact that I'm choosing to move with my husband and children to a place my family isn't thrilled about could be seen as a "me" sort of thing to do. The fact that we're concerned about the future of the economy and our country's livelihood with the oil crisis (whether people want to face that fact or not) could be seen as our feeling "endangered". I suppose we could be just living our lives predictably, following a course through our age and state of mind but it doesn't feel like we're intentionally following a set lifestyle. We live in this age as every human has - in our time. We're influenced by the world around us and we interpret it thus, whether we believe the earth is flat or being assaulted by humankind.

The only thing I know how to do is to live my life, stay informed via as reputable sources as a person is capable of finding, and make choices that feel right to me. Trust in news sources, in opinions about critical life changes and the ones we love is a tricky thing but, ultimately, you have to take a leap of faith if you want to live a full life. Risk avoidance is just as risky as careless risk taking. In my opinion, making critical life choices involves dissolving irrational fears, calmly evaluating the choices and following your gut instinct. As much as the feelings of others is important to a point, no one can live your life for you and you can't live your life for others to the exclusion of your life's passions, interests and loves.

As I drink a glass of wine, I am rocking away in our glider trying to find that center of the storm. As I feel for those who are sad about our leaving, particularly my family, I am truly sorry for the loss that they may feel. Meanwhile, I retreat into myself and enjoy the idea of what our future may hold and am hopeful that the transition will prove to be less traumatic for everyone.